I’ve done it again. I came on too strong an ended up chasing away someone that I cared about.
I don’t fall for people very often. Certainly not as often as I used to. I feel plenty of attraction of course, but that feeling of something bigger only comes once or twice a year and when it does I just lose control.
In person I’m not too bad, I think. In the presence of someone I care about I find myself calm and quite serene. It’s when you take them away and put a phone in my hand that things really start to go wrong. The worst part is that I know what I’m doing is wrong, I just can’t control myself. I can stop sending those texts or spilling out my soul.
The problem is not, as some will say, that I come across as desperate. The problem is I am desperate. I have a few real relationships to my name and most of them are questionable as proper relationships. My experience of high school romance was worshipping poor Mary Louise Sweeny from a far, without the fairly tale ending that the movies told me I would have. These days, as soon as something real becomes an option, I just revert back to that same little boy.
The truth is I love being him. I love caring so much about someone else that I stop caring about myself. There’s something pure about that part of me that I never want to be without, even although having it will always result in tragedy. To lose that boy in me means to become something cold and mathematical. It means becoming a player that runs with a rule book or a “system”. It’s becoming a person that manipulates girls in to wanting him – no not him. He manipulates them into wanting the façade that he presents. I’m not sure which is more tragic.
I recently finished John Green’s “The fault in our stars”, it was a super book, about two teenagers dying of cancer, but finding love together. It just makes me long for my own little piece of true love that seems to have eluded me in my life. Of course real life is going to be harder. My good friend Paul recently broke up with the guy he’s been going out with, since long before I’ve known him. It must be hard. But at least he can look back at the end of the day and say he’s had something, even if it did fall apart. I’m curious if he would agree or not.
It’s a strange thing to write and tell the world these things. Some how writing it and putting it out there is cathartic. Maybe I hope that someone out there feels that same and gain a feeling of kinship from it.
For now I’m going to watch some films and try and move on. ”500 days of summer” has been watched, now onto “Eternal Sunshine”.
It’s not been a bad year all things considered, but it hasn’t been my best. I felt that I tried to do a lot last year and in the end I’m now back where I started (both in terms of location and goals). What can I say, “The best-laid schemes o’ mice an’ men. Gang aft agley,”. And it’s not that I’m in a bad place to be or that the journey to get back here was terrible (It was a lot of fun at times). I just sometimes don’t feel that I’m going anywhere and more importantly I’m not sure where I want to go.
So time to make a plan.
This year there are some things that I would really like to do:
1. Get a proper relationship: One great thing about Indonesia is that there are lots of fun girls around, but it’s harder when trying to find someone to date in a serious way. This year I want to find someone who is the impossible: intelligent and sexy at the same time.
2. Decide where to go next: I need some direction in my life. I have whole bunch of projects that I do: Writing, coding, educating, fitness. I need to decide where I want to be in ten years to that I can stop being a jack of all trades and start to master something.
3. Get that book out: I have have two books on my computer that I’ve not managed to put out yet. Part if it is waiting on covers, but that’s just an excuse. First things this year I’ll try and put them out there.
4. Find a job I love: Again I want the impossible. My job here is nice enough, but I need to start thinking more long term. I’ve thought of trying to start my own business or maybe finding a job in software again. Either way I need to get those CV’s out into the world and see what options I have.
It’s not the best plan in the world. But it’s a start. Any suggestions on how to achieve the above?